Romans 12:19 Dearly
beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place to wrath: for it is
written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, said the Lord.
We are reminded in books, movies, and real life that
“When anger meets anger, nothing good comes from it.”
(The Scribe by Francine Rivers) So, how do we avoid the arguments, disagreements, and outer conflicts that come up each day?
Our daily studies last week showed us many people in conflict and gave us a chance to process what could have been happening from a third person's point of view. Our sessions and daily studies about emotions have shown us just what is going on inside a person's brain when they are feeling fear, sadness, and anger. It is interesting that these three emotions are so interwoven that an outer conflict might stem from any of the three, but still show itself as anger. We have learned that the process in the brain that leads to the "fight or flight" response can take 20 minutes to shut-down completely, allowing the person to think calmly again.
So, being a peacemaker when faced with outer conflict requires a choice--either avoid the conflict or solve it when both parties can think. Avoiding the conflict will prevent the outer conflict, but it will not solve the problem. Remember--anger's purpose is to help you have the physical stamina to solve a problem. So, avoidance will just push the conflict away temporarily. At some point, the problem will need to be addressed if both parties are truly going to live in peace.
In order to solve the problem, both parties must be in a state of mind to think. So, when the conflict becomes heated, it is important to remember who you can control---yourself. It is important to take a deep breath (this begins the process of shutting down your "fight or flight), take control of your own thought processes and begin to truly assess the situation to learn what is the real issue. Many times, this slowing down of events will require you to walk away until another time. I offer you some words that may help---"I'm really too angry to talk to you right now. I need to take some time to think. Can we talk about this ______________ (tomorrow, in an hour, next Tuesday...)?" It is important that you say something like this before you walk away, so the other person doesn't think you are just avoiding what must be a pretty important issue if it stimulates this much emotion. It is also important that you set up another time immediately, otherwise, both of you will probably move into avoiding each other or the issue and the problem will grow. Setting up a time has the second benefit of giving you a time-frame in order to sort through the issue in your own way, as well.
With the emotions out of the way, you can now process your emotion using your Bible verses, your Belief Statements, and your journaling to begin to understand what the real problem is and what a solution might be.
Gerry Vassar, President and CEO, Lakeside Educational Network has developed a grid of questions that are very helpful in thinking through a conflict. He uses the acronym ACE to help people remember the steps. ACE stands for Assess, Choose, Execute and uses the following questions to move through the process of anger control and conflict resolution. These questions follow along the same path as our study questions last week, as we looked at Biblical situations and conflicts and assessed them. Here are some examples:
- What might be the cause(s) of my anger?
- What do I believe about me, the other person, or the situation?
- What do I want to be certain that I do and do not do?
- what am I expecting, and on what am I basing these expectations?
- Where is my power?
- Where don't I have power?
- What are my responsibilities?
The first stop in any conflict is control--which is hard when that amygdala in your brain is in overdrive! It is often hard to find your sword of the spirit verses because you just can't think--so I want to give you a little shortcut---Beth Moore suggests that sometimes you just have to get to the main point of those Belief Statements that can become a shield of truth for believers--are you remembering them---
God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's Word is alive and working in me
But they can be hard to remember in the "heat of the moment" so here's Beth's shortcut--
point to yourself and say "I'm",
point to your head and say "believing",
point to the heavens and say "God"!
Say it with force, say it as many times as you need to, take a deep breath and say it again. It will clear your head and separate you from the emotions that are often used by Satan to keep you from solving the problem and saving the relationship or your own emotional health.
So, you are in a conflict and someone makes you feel stupid? "I'm Believing God!"--who said you are chosen, blessed, redeemed, adopted, worthy!
So, you are in a conflict and someone says your idea can never work? "I'm Believing God!"--who can do all He says He can do!
So, you are in a conflict and someone says there is no way you can do it? "I'm Believing God!"--who says that you can do all things through Christ!
It's easy! It focuses you on what you really know! It's empowering! Try it this week!! And remember that God loves you!
Moore, Beth. Believing God. Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2004.
Rivers, Francine. The Scribe. Tyndale Publishers, 2007.
Vasssar, Gerry. Lakeside Connect. "How Does Anger Happen in the Brain". posted on February 1, 2011. Retreived on January 3, 2014 from
Vasssar, Gerry. Lakeside Connect. "What Are Some Strategies for Dealing with Anger?". Posted on February 8, 2011. Retrieved on January 3, 2014 from
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